Well here we are. 2014 is here. The future has finally arrived. If our predictions from the mid-80’s had been correct, you would have been reading this blog via hijacked pirate signals broadcast from a cave made of polished skulls and bones that litter the landscape in the wake of mankind’s near total obliteration at the hands of the machines. Assuming, of course, Skynet really did become self-aware in 1997 and Judgment Day proceeded as planned. If not, then I suppose you might instead be taking a break from your job tracking down and killing replicants, receiving this transmission in glowing green 26 point Helvetica font on the screen of your factory-second hover car outside the Bradbury Apartments in New Japan. Or perhaps you would be piecing together a rudimentary receiving device using bloated CRT screens, circuit boards from decommissioned Pleasure-Bots, and discarded hologram files buried beneath a foot of ash in a post-apocalyptic landscape.
Unfortunately, our predictions from the cocaine-laden heyday of the 80’s were really no more accurate than those 30 years earlier, though the Cold War era fears of mankind destroying itself because of ideological differences remains just as plausible now as it did then. No, we’re not living in a post-apocalyptic wasteland dodging hiding from radioactive flesh-eating mutants. There are no hover cars or time machines. No phased plasma rifles in the 40-watt range. And tragically, no Pleasure-Bots.
Here’s what I think 2014 has in store for us:
Adult Entertainment: Much like the ill-fated youth in Logan’s Run, a generation of porn stars will reach the ripe old age of 29 and after having taken one final money shot to the eye, will face the most challenging dilemma of their lives: (a) continue to make mainstream adult films for a narrower audience featuring “mature women,” (b) branch out into more niche areas (e.g., dwarf porn), (c) venture into heretofore unexplored fetishistic realms (e.g., thalidomide babies), or (d) get a real job [see below].
Sports: At least four cities will lose controlling interest in their professional sports teams. Arguably the most controversial will be the hostile takeover of the Seattle Seahawks by a group of aggressive lobbyists for adorable pet videos on YouTube. Massive bribery allegations will shadow the renaming ceremony of CenturyLink Field to “Mutual Of Omaha’s Wild Kingdome” in late October. Other less scandalous but equally devastating changes include Bryant-Denny Stadium in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. The home of the Crimson Tide will become the “Bustin’ Loose Bail Bonds Stadium.” Green Bay’s Lambeau Field will change its name to the “Piggly Wiggly Cottage Cheese Special Arena” and Candlestick Park in San Francisco will be christened the “Haight-Ashbury/Consumer Electronics Show Alternative Lifestyle Bowl.”
Popular Culture: Tattoo parlors nationwide will see a rise in the number of requests by single mothers for designs bearing the refrigerator artwork of their preschool-aged children. Justin Bieber will be raped by a service emu during a community service concert for psychiatric inpatients at Camarillo State Mental Hospital in California.
Automotive Technology: There will be two major advances in the automotive field from overseas. In early 2014, a team engineers from Mercedes Benz will develop a lightweight electrolytic fusion generator capable of converting any liquid into energy. Unfortunately, this will result in global traffic jams and an astronomical spike in road rage homicides and car crashes as travelers encounter gridlock while attempting to cross entire continents using little more than the sheen of sweat from a cooked bratwurst to fuel their vehicles. Japan will rise to the occasion later in the year, using Honda’s flagship plant in Saitama, Japan will introduce their revolutionary new “Inflate-A-Mate” air bags. Spokesman Ko Katayama will describe the protective measures as “porn person inspired love mates of air and plastic for super companions when crash condition occur.”
Politics – A rash of mass shootings in the south and mid-west will result in a further relaxation of gun laws in five states. Arizona, Vermont, Kentucky, and Georgia will enact sweeping legislation repealing all remaining regulations regarding firearms and Texas will enact ESSB 4452, which will require all legal residents above the age of neonate to have an assault rifle surgically attached to their dominant arm. Oregon will legalize heroin.
Personal Goals: As for me, I am not so out of touch with reality that I don’t recognize the need for greater personal growth and in that vein I would like to make the following resolutions related to my career: (1) I will make an effort to use more professional language in my psychological evaluations and not rely so heavily on the use of profanity and emoticons; (2) I will contribute more to office potlucks than individual packets of Arby’s Sauce and cocktail straws; and (3) I will try not to remember not to write “Suck It” in the subject line when responding to emails from attorneys requesting psychological testing on their clients.
So that’s it. All in all I think in the next twelve months we will continue its younger sibling’s work of slowly but surely eroding what remains of our collective sanity, but I remain cautiously optimistic that there will be some bright spots along the way. A few welcome respites from the steady stream of lunacy that has come to define the modern age. Hell, maybe we’ll even be privileged enough to experience something that might benefit all of humanity. Who knows? Maybe this will be the year Japan finally starts working on those damn Pleasure-Bots.